(I began this post yesterday. Yesterday is the “today” I’m referring to here.)
Today was one of those I’d really love to go hide in a corner and throw a blanket over my head and cry…..a lot…….kind of days. My Little Love was not so fond of the concept of obeying, or listening, or hearing “no” as the answer. Basically everything was a battle and I was weary. So very weary. I laid her down for her afternoon nap and that’s when the tears came. The tears of weariness, of discouragement, of wondering what I need to do better. It was hard to not feel like I was totally botching the mom thing. I so desperately wanted my sweet nearly 2-year old to understand, to hear what I was saying, reply with,”yes, mommy”, and not respond disobediently in the exact same way she had just been disciplined for moments earlier.
I prayed as I cried, grappling with these thoughts and struggles, asking the Lord to give me wisdom, perseverance and some kind of supermom power that allowed for me to know the exact formula that would result in delighted obedience from my daughter. (I quickly realized that last part isn’t quite in keeping with how the Lord usually works). In His goodness and grace, He revealed to me my wrong expectations and thinking, my lack of trust in Him, and my constant tendency to try to make everything work in MY strength and abilities. He also reminded me of His transforming power which helps my mind to think on what is true, of how sweet it is that I can fully trust in Him and I don’t have to control all things, and how much better it is to lean on His strength and perfect wisdom instead of continually hitting my head against a brick wall trying to make it work on my own.
I have realized something over the past couple of months and today the Lord reminded me of it again. I expect my darling little 23 month old, who is a desperate sinner in need of Jesus’ saving grace, to act like she has been walking with the Lord for years. I expect her to just get it, at least after the first 2 times of being reminded. To jump to obedience with a joyful heart and to reply, with a smile, “of course I understand, dearest mother!” But my sweet girl has no natural desire to obey in her. She wants things her way, when she wants them, and how much she wants them. She has to see her need for Jesus before she can be like Him. I have to help her see that. As I discipline her, talk with her, and pray for and with her. And I must show her the grace and mercy of Christ and teach her about His matchless grace that covers all our sin! As I see the Lord’s constant and abundant grace lavished upon me and His faithfulness to continue to reveal my sin to me and give me hope of change, I must display that to my girl. I want her to see Jesus in me, every day, whether we are cooking, cleaning, coloring, playing with dolls, or running around outside. As I talk to her, as I discipline her, as I praise her, as I teach her. I want her to see Jesus in me. Not me, but Jesus. The only One who can change her heart.