waiting for those 2 lines

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This is one of those, “I’ve debated for a long time about writing this post and opening this area of my heart up to my blog,” type posts. To tell you the truth, they aren’t easy to begin. I think I’ve started a post like this close to 10 times, stared at the blank white space for minutes on end, deleted the “ummmmmmm” I so painstakingly wrote to not make the blank space seem quite so blank, and walked away from the computer yet again. This time is different, though. This subject has been an ache on my heart to share with you all for so long, to give you all opportunities to share too, and to find encouragement in this sweet community.

When we began the “having kids” conversation back several years ago we prayed for the Lord’s perfect timing for us to have a baby and, to be honest, I think we both expected that perfect timing to be the first month we started trying. After all, we live amongst a community of people where it seems that every other day someone else is pregnant. Why would it be any different for us? Month after month went by, negative pregnancy tests were taken and periods were started, and we battled anxious thoughts, fears of “what if?”, and heart-aching disappointment. There were many tear-filled days and battling gut-wrenching hurt when someone would off-handedly ask, “why aren’t you guys pregnant? when are ya’ll going to start popping kids out? isn’t it time?” (we will chat more about such comments later.)

The battle to truly trust in Jesus during those months of waiting was a hard-fought one. In those moments of feeling defeat after taking yet another negative pregnancy test and realizing our baby dreams were having to wait another month, we had to fight to believe what is true and fight to remain hopeful in the midst of pain. I’m so thankful we had to fight, though. Oh, what work the Lord did in our hearts during those months of waiting. Would I have said then that I was thankful for what we were going through? Not in those first months, to be honest, and not every day afterwards, by any means; but through those 9 months of waiting for our Anna Kate, I grew to be thankful, to be hopeful, to be restful in the Lord’s kindness, and to truly treasure the last few months of just being “us.” 9 months later, when that pregnancy test showed 2 lines the happy tears flowed and I soaked up that moment with even more gratitude. The story of that wonderful day is accompanied by many other sweet stories that I could share with you all about how beautifully we saw the Lord’s wise and perfect timing displayed in that season.

I’ve recalled those stories to my mind again and again in the past 13 months as we have found ourselves battling, yet again. For 13 months we’ve been hopeful, praying for another little one, waiting for those two lines to show up on that pregnancy test. Each month we’ve faced those same emotions we felt the first time around. One month, more recently, I stared blankly at a pregnancy test that read, very emphatically, “not pregnant.” I walked to my husband and just fell into him, the tears flowing. I had been so sure that this was the month and, yet, the answer was no again. I told J I didn’t feel like I could handle anymore. The aches, the pain, the disappointment, the defeat, the wondering why we are having to go through this again, they’ve all been there; but with each month we’ve looked at that darling, strong, helpful, clever, creative 3 year old daughter of ours and been reminded of the Lord’s kindness to give us the gift of her. And when we talk about that our minds are filled with those stories I mentioned, those beautiful reminders of the Lord’s timing, and of His rich grace that brings us through the valleys with hope.

I know that there are so many beautiful women who are waiting to become a mommy, who wait hopefully with their husbands each month to see if this is the month, and who battle the heartache when it isn’t. I know that there are so many beautiful women who have experienced incredible heartache through the loss of their baby, whether through miscarriage or early delivery, or being born with a fatal illness. The thought of what these brave, beautiful women have gone through and/or are facing now cause my heart to ache alongside theirs, to be prayerful for them, and to remind me that I am far, far from being the only one who has experienced pain in this area; and many, many women have experienced far more pain than what I know. My heart aches and hopes along with you, mommies and mommies-to-be and hopeful mommies, as you cry those tears, dream those dreams, and pray those prayers. I’m so prayerful that the Lord will grant you the gift of motherhood soon. And I firmly trust that He will, in His best way. And to you, dear mommies who have lost your babies, I pray that the comfort of Jesus is yours in abundance and that your heart is filled to bursting with the knowledge of His love for you and that little one; a love that is deeper than our minds can comprehend.

My doctor has put me on Clomid now and we are braving new territory there, both physical and emotional, and let me tell you, hot flashes at age 26 sure are fun. πŸ˜‰ We are hopeful for how this will help and prayerful that very soon we will see two vibrant lines on a pregnancy test and we can celebrate a new little life! As we wait, though, I am thankful. Thankful for a kind and loving Father who gives to us only what is His best for us in each season; that truth gives such comfort in the midst of pain if I choose to think and live in light of it. Thankful for the struggle of sanctification and how much my heart has been changed through these seasons. Thankful for sweet women to learn from, admire, pray for, and journey with. Thankful for the most loving, gentle, thoughtful, and faithful man, the best man I know, to walk this road with. And thankful that every day I get to look into the sweet face of a little girl who calls me “mommy” and see such a precious evidence of God’s grace.

I’m so thankful for each one of you who take the time to read what I write here on my little web space. I’ve gained beautiful new friends through this world called blogging and I love the camaraderie I feel with each one of you I’m able to connect with. I consider you, dear readers, my community and I consider it such a blessing to share with you here just as I would if you were to come into my little home, put your feet up on my sofa, sip coffee with me, and chat about life, dreams, adventures, books, movies, and whatever other subject we should choose to tackle. I’m so grateful that as I open my heart and my little world up to you all that you would take the time to be a part of it with me. Thank you, dear ones.

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18 thoughts on “waiting for those 2 lines

  1. heidigifford

    Jenny-
    I LOVE your blog!! Thank you so much for being willing to share on such a tough topic; I know this will encourage the hearts of many! I’m praying for you and your precious little family; that Our Lord will sustain you in these days and that you would continue to find Him to be the source of your greatest joy and satisfaction as you wait on His perfect timing.
    Your heart for Christ is so beautiful and I’m encouraged and inspired by each of your posts. Thanks for allowing us to be a part of your little world, and for doing that in ways that point your readers to the Savior!!

    Reply
    1. Jenny Post author

      Heidi, thank you so much for your encouragement! Thank you for praying, also. Those prayers are such a gift to us. And your kind words and encouragement means so much! Thank you, thank you.

      Reply
  2. ahouston1917

    Love this and love you guy! We will praying for you guys. Just remember for such a time as this! There are many unknowns in this world, but God knows what is best. But, he also knows the desires of our hearts! Love you guys and praying!

    Reply
    1. Jenny Post author

      Thank you, sweet Ashley! You are exactly right and I’m so grateful for such loving reminders of truth. Grateful for you, sweet friend! And thank you guys so much for your prayers!

      Reply
  3. Donna Hull

    Your sweet husband put this on FB & I was able to read it. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this but it has brought you even closer to Him through it all. I will be praying that His timing will be soon. I still remember when we were trying to get pregant. Tears come to mind as well. So you are not alone in this journey. We love you three. Miss your sweet faces. Anna Kate is getting so big. I still love to see pictures on FB. Hugs

    Reply
    1. Jenny Post author

      Thank you, Mrs. Hull. Thank you for praying for us. All the prayers are such an enormous blessing and comfort to our hearts!
      Anna Kate is getting so big! Hopefully we will be able to see this coming Sunday as we are coming to TX and will be at Grace! Much love to you and Mr. Hull!!

      Reply
  4. hmdyksterhouse

    Praying for your sweet family! May the enemy have no say over your womb! For greater is He who is in You then he who is in this world! Believing with you that God will grant you your heart’s desire by allowing you to see those two little lines soon and hear the cry of a newborn babe 9 months later! His timing is beyond perfect!!! I’ve been praying for you (God has actually placed this on my heart for you a while ago without even knowing what was going on) and will continue to fervently. Love you Jen!

    Reply
    1. Jenny Post author

      Oh, friend, thank you for your sweet words and your faithful prayers! What a gift to know you’ve been praying for this specifically for us! You are so dear. I miss seeing you so much and think of you so often. Thank you so much for your loving encouragement! I hope you guys are doing so well! Love you, dear!

      Reply
  5. Julie Jones

    Oh my sweet friend, you are a brave soul for sharing your beautiful heart and I am here for you. Your story reminds me of Shauna Niequist, if you haven’t read her books yet then I would highly recommend them. She too, knows the pain and heartache you are experiencing. I want you to know that I have been praying for you and your sweet family after reading your previous posts about how hard this season in life has been for you, and I will continue to pray with purpose. I pray that you would find peace and overflowing joy in His timing; and I pray that one day Tye and I will be so blessed as to have one little as beautiful and darling as your Anna Kate πŸ™‚

    Reply
    1. Jenny Post author

      I am just so thankful for you, my friend. I’m just so grateful for the sweet friendship that I have gained in you! The Lord has been so kind.
      I will definitely read her books! I have her Bread and Wine book, but haven’t been able to crack it open yet, so it is now packed in my suitcase for our Thanksgiving trip! Thank you, friend.
      And I can’t tell you what a gift it is to know that you have been and will continue to be praying for us in these things. Such a blessing! And know I pray for you often and will pray for you and your hubby specifically in the baby arena and for the Lord’s sweet plans for you guys there.
      Thank you for your sweet encouragement, lovely. I wish so much we could get a cup of coffee together or you could come over one afternoon for a chat. πŸ™‚ One day it will happen!!

      Reply
  6. Elizabeth Yeiser

    Jenny, I’m so sorry you all are going through this trial. A friend of mine who is much more eloquent than I wrote these words today on her blog: “We are hoping in a Savior who knows all about our every difficulty; we are worshiping a God who filters everything good and hard through His knowing hands. We are not spiraling. We are always held in his sovereignty.” I hope those words can bring you the same comfort they brought me. I’ll be praying that God will answer the desires of your heart and that you can find peace in Him.

    Reply
    1. Jenny Post author

      Thank you, sweet Elizabeth. Thank you for sharing those words with me! What excellent words they are! I have re-read them several times since you shared them with me. I am so grateful for your prayers and loving encouragement!

      Reply
  7. Amy Wiseman

    Jenny, you are have such a beautiful heart! Thank you for sharing it and being open and honest and vulnerable. I am so encouraged to see how God is working in your life through this struggle. Praying for you sweet friend!

    Reply
    1. Jenny Post author

      Amy, I’m so grateful for you! Your friendship is so precious to me and I am so grateful for your constant encouragement, prayers, and love!

      Reply
  8. Becky Gilmour

    So beautifully written from your heart! God has given you a journey and He will use it in a mighty way to accomplish His purpose. Continue to place your hope in Him as He has a plan for your, not for evil but for good, to give you a future and hope! Jeremiah 29:11. We lost our precious daughter at age 4 to a traffic accident so I can understand your pain. But God! He is using us to reach others in a similar situation. Our book of our testimony, Defining Life by your Dreams not difficulties is going to press this month! Blessings! Cousin, Becky Gilmour

    Reply
    1. Jenny Post author

      Becky, thank you so much for your sweet and truth-filled encouragement! It is truly a gift to see how the Lord has used this journey in our lives and how He continues to in our lives and the lives of others. It is so humbling! My mom has shared with me several times over the years what a testimony you guys have been of trust and rest in the Lord since you lost your sweet daughter. My heart aches that you had to experience such pain, but know that your sweet words and hope in the Lord are such a tremendous encouragement and example to me! I am so excited to read your book! What a gift that will be to so many! Blessings to you guys!

      Reply

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