This is one of those, “I’ve debated for a long time about writing this post and opening this area of my heart up to my blog,” type posts. To tell you the truth, they aren’t easy to begin. I think I’ve started a post like this close to 10 times, stared at the blank white space for minutes on end, deleted the “ummmmmmm” I so painstakingly wrote to not make the blank space seem quite so blank, and walked away from the computer yet again. This time is different, though. This subject has been an ache on my heart to share with you all for so long, to give you all opportunities to share too, and to find encouragement in this sweet community.
When we began the “having kids” conversation back several years ago we prayed for the Lord’s perfect timing for us to have a baby and, to be honest, I think we both expected that perfect timing to be the first month we started trying. After all, we live amongst a community of people where it seems that every other day someone else is pregnant. Why would it be any different for us? Month after month went by, negative pregnancy tests were taken and periods were started, and we battled anxious thoughts, fears of “what if?”, and heart-aching disappointment. There were many tear-filled days and battling gut-wrenching hurt when someone would off-handedly ask, “why aren’t you guys pregnant? when are ya’ll going to start popping kids out? isn’t it time?” (we will chat more about such comments later.)
The battle to truly trust in Jesus during those months of waiting was a hard-fought one. In those moments of feeling defeat after taking yet another negative pregnancy test and realizing our baby dreams were having to wait another month, we had to fight to believe what is true and fight to remain hopeful in the midst of pain. I’m so thankful we had to fight, though. Oh, what work the Lord did in our hearts during those months of waiting. Would I have said then that I was thankful for what we were going through? Not in those first months, to be honest, and not every day afterwards, by any means; but through those 9 months of waiting for our Anna Kate, I grew to be thankful, to be hopeful, to be restful in the Lord’s kindness, and to truly treasure the last few months of just being “us.” 9 months later, when that pregnancy test showed 2 lines the happy tears flowed and I soaked up that moment with even more gratitude. The story of that wonderful day is accompanied by many other sweet stories that I could share with you all about how beautifully we saw the Lord’s wise and perfect timing displayed in that season.
I’ve recalled those stories to my mind again and again in the past 13 months as we have found ourselves battling, yet again. For 13 months we’ve been hopeful, praying for another little one, waiting for those two lines to show up on that pregnancy test. Each month we’ve faced those same emotions we felt the first time around. One month, more recently, I stared blankly at a pregnancy test that read, very emphatically, “not pregnant.” I walked to my husband and just fell into him, the tears flowing. I had been so sure that this was the month and, yet, the answer was no again. I told J I didn’t feel like I could handle anymore. The aches, the pain, the disappointment, the defeat, the wondering why we are having to go through this again, they’ve all been there; but with each month we’ve looked at that darling, strong, helpful, clever, creative 3 year old daughter of ours and been reminded of the Lord’s kindness to give us the gift of her. And when we talk about that our minds are filled with those stories I mentioned, those beautiful reminders of the Lord’s timing, and of His rich grace that brings us through the valleys with hope.
I know that there are so many beautiful women who are waiting to become a mommy, who wait hopefully with their husbands each month to see if this is the month, and who battle the heartache when it isn’t. I know that there are so many beautiful women who have experienced incredible heartache through the loss of their baby, whether through miscarriage or early delivery, or being born with a fatal illness. The thought of what these brave, beautiful women have gone through and/or are facing now cause my heart to ache alongside theirs, to be prayerful for them, and to remind me that I am far, far from being the only one who has experienced pain in this area; and many, many women have experienced far more pain than what I know. My heart aches and hopes along with you, mommies and mommies-to-be and hopeful mommies, as you cry those tears, dream those dreams, and pray those prayers. I’m so prayerful that the Lord will grant you the gift of motherhood soon. And I firmly trust that He will, in His best way. And to you, dear mommies who have lost your babies, I pray that the comfort of Jesus is yours in abundance and that your heart is filled to bursting with the knowledge of His love for you and that little one; a love that is deeper than our minds can comprehend.
My doctor has put me on Clomid now and we are braving new territory there, both physical and emotional, and let me tell you, hot flashes at age 26 sure are fun. 😉 We are hopeful for how this will help and prayerful that very soon we will see two vibrant lines on a pregnancy test and we can celebrate a new little life! As we wait, though, I am thankful. Thankful for a kind and loving Father who gives to us only what is His best for us in each season; that truth gives such comfort in the midst of pain if I choose to think and live in light of it. Thankful for the struggle of sanctification and how much my heart has been changed through these seasons. Thankful for sweet women to learn from, admire, pray for, and journey with. Thankful for the most loving, gentle, thoughtful, and faithful man, the best man I know, to walk this road with. And thankful that every day I get to look into the sweet face of a little girl who calls me “mommy” and see such a precious evidence of God’s grace.
I’m so thankful for each one of you who take the time to read what I write here on my little web space. I’ve gained beautiful new friends through this world called blogging and I love the camaraderie I feel with each one of you I’m able to connect with. I consider you, dear readers, my community and I consider it such a blessing to share with you here just as I would if you were to come into my little home, put your feet up on my sofa, sip coffee with me, and chat about life, dreams, adventures, books, movies, and whatever other subject we should choose to tackle. I’m so grateful that as I open my heart and my little world up to you all that you would take the time to be a part of it with me. Thank you, dear ones.