a difficult answer

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For the past few days I’d known that this wasn’t the month for a baby. I’d known I was going to start my period. The waiting every month is the hardest part for me; the waiting to discover what the answer is. I want to be hopeful, but to be honest with you, being hopeful scares me because I don’t want it to hurt even worse. I woke up feeling these emotions quite strongly two days ago. My heart ached and I battled fearing the unknown. What grace, that at that very moment, I could cast those emotions and fear at the foot of the One who loves me more than I can comprehend, and who knows, with perfect wisdom and reason, what and why the answer would be the one that it was. To be able to live in this comforting instruction, “casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” I cast my anxieties, asking for His grace for what He has planned for this month. I prayed that if this wasn’t the month that He would allow me to start my period soon, even that day, and that He would fill my heart with overflowing peace to be able to rest until I knew the answer and for whatever the answer was to be. In His grace, He gave me the answer that night.

The answer was “not this month.” It’s hurting, but over the past 16 months of this journey, my confidence and absolute assurance in God’s perfect timing has grown to be more solid than ever before. He has used this, every single bit of this, to refine me. Being refined often aches and often stings, but the result brings greater goodness that we can often imagine. This past month, as we’ve struggled with the side effects of the Clomid, the Lord has continued to strip away feelings of inadequacy, fears, desires to control, or expectations we hadn’t even realized we had. This continues to be one of the greatest tools the Lord has used to work in our hearts and minds, to bring us to a greater understanding of ourselves and Himself, and to deepen our love and trust in Him to an awesome extent. The definition of awesome reads like this:

awe·some
ˈôsəm/Submit
adjective
extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.
“the awesome power of the atomic bomb”
synonyms: breathtaking, awe-inspiring, magnificent, wonderful, amazing, stunning, staggering, imposing, stirring, impressive

Through this struggle with being able to conceive, the Lord has made known to us, in a beautiful and unique way, His breathtaking, awe-inspiring, magnificent, wonderful, amazing, stunning, staggering, imposing, stirring, and impressive character and love that He has for us. He is an awesome God; in the joy and in the pain. Though I struggle with being fearful to hope, I truly shouldn’t. My hope is set in the One who knows the best timing for us to grow our little family, the One who knows what our hearts need, and the One who has shown Himself perfectly faithful in our lives. His grace is undeserved, His sovereignty is my assurance and His wisdom is sweet hope. The hard days come and they hurt, the tears come and they sting, but the Lord is in the hard days, too, and I see His promises and His love woven throughout them in the most beautiful ways.

Thank you for journeying with us, friends. For your abundant prayers and your thoughtful encouragement. You’ve truly no idea what it means. That love of our Lord’s I was just talking about…..I see that through ya’ll.

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